


This Monastery Is A Nightmare

by Gale_Breeze



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, but thats not a tag so whatevs, byleth communicates solely in emojis, chat fic, i guess this is a 'what if the teachers had smartphones' au, unless its to say something Awful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gale_Breeze/pseuds/Gale_Breeze
Summary: In which the faculty of Garreg Mach have a chatroom, to the eternal frustration of both Jeralt and Seteth.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	This Monastery Is A Nightmare

**[Garreg Mach Staff Chat - 21st of Great Tree 8:42pm]**

**Hanneman** : I want to report Manuela.

 **Seteth** : Hanneman, we truly do not have enough paper for all of your complaints.

 **Manuela** : ignore hanny hes just jelly over my sweet emojo skills

 **Hanneman** : They are called EMOTICONS.

 **Manuela** : EEE MOE JOES

 **Shamir:** I just saw Hanneman grab a knife.

 **Catherine:** oh damn is hanny gonna lose it

 **Manuela:** if he aint lost it yet hes never gone lose it

 **Manuela:** that bitch is like a cat he always bounces back

 **Manuela:** oh shit that rhymes

 **Seteth:** I worry about how this form of technology is corrupting your vocabulary, Manuela.

 **Catherine:** nah man its fine its just fun to say shit

 **Shamir:** Hey. Where's Alois?

 **Seteth:** Ah. That's right. It is almost time for his check-in.

 **Alois** joined the chat.

 **Hanneman:** That's not Alois. He's on time.

 **Catherine:** SHIT YOU RIGHT

 **Alois:** ('-') (._.) ('-' ) ( '-')

 **Manuela:** whut

 **Alois:** ( '-')> ~~~~%(>XnX)>

 **Manuela:** shit were being threatened with emojos

 **Hanneman:** HEAVENS WILLING I WILL END YOU MANUELA

 **Seteth:** You are most definitely not Alois.

 **Alois:** ('o') ( I_I)

 **Seteth:** You have made no puns yet. That is how I know.

 **Catherine:** SHIT SETETH IS DOUBLE RIGHT

 **Shamir:** The best kind of right.

 **Catherine:** thats like omega right only way to be any righter is to be rhea

 **Manuela:** damn it cath get your lust for the archbishop under control

 **Seteth:** Do not use such disgusting language in reference to the Archbishop!

 **Alois:** ( I_I)>t

 **Seteth:** I cannot believe you have driven me to agree with a stranger who has stolen Alois's phone! Begone with your deviancy!

 **Catherine:** no never

 **Manuela:** bitch i am deviance incarnate

 **Alois:** (O_O) (O_O;) ( O_O)>t

 **Seteth:** In any case... What did you do with Alois?

 **Alois:** ???

 **Manuela:** did you hurt the sunshine man???? we kill you if you did

 **Alois:** ( I_I) (o_o) ( '-' )p

 **Rhea** joined the chat.

 **Rhea:** Good evening, everyone.

 **Rhea:** Ah. Who is this?

 **Shamir:** A thief or an assassin. Dead either way.

 **Alois:** (T_T) ( '-') ('-') ('-' ) (._. ) (._.) ( ._.) ( '-') ('-')

 **Manuela:** holy shit

 **Shamir:** Is that an eyeroll?

 **Alois:** ('-')b

 **Rhea:** Shamir, before you begin assaulting people, we should see who our intruder is.

 **Rhea:** May we have your name?

 **Alois:** ( -_-)zzz

 **Alois:** ( -_-)ZZZ

 **Seteth:** How childish.

 **Catherine:** okay now im mad can we go kill this bitch

 **Alois:** ( '-') ('-') ('-' ) (._. ) (._.) ( ._.) ( '-') ('-')

 **Hanneman:** Quite talkative, for a bunch of emoticons.

 **Rhea:** Is Alois still alive? I would like him to remain so.

 **Alois:** ('-')b ('-';lkjgrgfugrfo

 **Alois:** HAHAH! GOT YOU, MISCREANT!

 **Shamir:** Alois, you're back.

 **Manuela:** eyyyyy ally boy

 **Catherine:** do we need to gut a bitch

 **Rhea:** Are you unharmed, Alois?

 **Alois:** OF COURSE! AND THAT IS NOT ALL!!!

 **Alois:** I FOUND SIR JERALT!!

 **Rhea:** ASDFGHJKL

 **Seteth:** Does anybody else hear that?

 **Manuela:** holy fuck the archbishop sounds happy

 **Manuela:** maybe she got a hot date

 **Seteth:** MANUELA.

 **Rhea** left the chat.

 **Catherine:** omg i can hear her from the fucking dining hall

 **Hanneman:** Be grateful it is muffled down there. I'm barely a room away, and my ears are bleeding.

 **Manuela:** what was this jeralt guy an ex or something

 **Catherine:** nah but jeralt is awesome strongest knight to ever live

 **Shamir:** Alois will tell you all about him. It's almost cute.

 **Manuela:** oh dang

 **Manuela:** so he hunky?

 **Shamir:** Supposedly. Imagine Alois but better is what he told me.

 **Alois:** IMAGINE A MOUNTAIN MADE OF BEARS!!!

 **Manuela:** OH DANG

 **Rhea** joined the chat.

 **Rhea:** YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **Manuela:** omg i can see her dancing through a window

 **Seteth:** What.

 **Rhea:** EVERYBODY GETS A PAY RAISE THIS MONTH!

 **Seteth:** ... May I ask why?

 **Rhea:** No.

 **Seteth:** Understood...

 **Catherine:** oh damn even seteth scared

 **Catherine:** i mean thats totes understandable im scared of lady rhea too

 **Shamir:** Nobody wants to hear about your fetishes.

 **Rhea:** Fear is an acceptable turn-on.

 **Shamir:** Stop validating Catherine.

 **Alois:** LADY RHEA YOU SCARE ME!!!

 **Hanneman:** Deviants! All of you!

 **Seteth:** And you wonder why I was so hesitant to bring Flayn to the monastery...

 **Manuela:** hey real quick can we jump back to jeralt whats his deal

 **Alois:** AH, YES! HE LEFT THE MONASTERY SOME YEARS AGO!

 **Alois:** JUST VANISHED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

 **Alois:** I HAD THOUGHT HIS CHILD DIED WITH HIM UNTIL TONIGHT!

 **Rhea** left the chat.

 **Catherine:** okay i can hear her scream and its even LOUDER now what the fuck

 **Seteth:** Oh dear. I suppose I shall go deal with that.

 **Seteth** left the chat.

 **Manuela:** wait so hes hunky and dad material?

 **Manuela:** he married?

 **Alois:** WELL. He... Was.

 **Manuela:** DAMN IT WHY ARE ALL THE HOT ONES TRAUMATIZED

 **Shamir:** Equivalent exchange.

 **Catherine:** hey im not traumatized

 **Shamir:** Yeah. Do the math on that one.

 **Catherine:** HEY DONT BE A BITCH

 **Alois:** ANYWAYS! HIS DAUGHTER STOLE MY PHONE FOR A BRIEF PERIOD! JUST STOLE IT RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND!

 **Hanneman:** Wait. The one making all those emoticons was Jeralt's daughter?

 **Alois:** YES!!! THEY FOUND OUR MISSING STUDENTS FOR ME!!!

 **Hanneman:** And Professor Kalme?

 **Alois:** WHO CARES ABOUT THAT GUY? MISS HRESVELG SAYS HE RAN AT THE FIRST SIGN OF DANGER

 **Manuela** : well said my man that guy creeped me the hell out

 **Catherine:** how strong is this girl

 **Alois:** SHE COULD DESTROY ME!!!

 **Manuela:** okay i officially dont care i want to meet this strange child its gonna be hysterical

 **Seteth** joined the chat.  
 **Rhea** joined the chat.

 **Seteth:** Somebody, PLEASE, talk some sense into Lady Rhea!

 **Rhea:** Nonsense. We are down a professor, and a new candidate has fallen into our laps.

 **Shamir:** This is going to backfire.

 **Catherine:** oh for sure but lady rhea always does it with so much style

 **Hanneman:** Some new blood might do us some good...

 **Manuela:** yeah we sorta need it i dont want jeritza anywhere near a normal teaching gig 

**Manuela:** jeritza is like the weirdest motherfucker ever

 **Manuela:** i asked him if he was hungry once and he pulled his sword

 **Shamir:** Some people are just like that.

 **Shamir:** It's a murder reflex.

 **Seteth:** Do I truly want to know what a 'murder reflex' is?

 **Catherine:** NO

 **Shamir:** Yes.

\---

**[Garreg Mach Staff Chat - 23rd of Great Tree 6:45am]**

**Rhea:** Everyone, please welcome our two new members of staff. Captain Jeralt Eisner of the Knights Of Seiros, and Byleth Eisner, our newest professor.

 **Byleth** joined the chat.  
 **Jeralt** joined the chat.

 **Jeritza:** Eisner?

 **Byleth:** ('?') d('-')b

 **Jeritza:** Duel me.

 **Byleth:** ( -_-)zzz

 **Jeritza:** How dare you.

 **Manuela:** its been like five seconds and we already have drama with the newbies

 **Catherine:** you two know each other?

 **Byleth:** ( T_T)b ( '-') (>_< ) ( T_T)>X<(>n< ) (!_! ) ( -_-)zzzzzz

 **Hanneman:** I do not think I've ever understood anything less.

 **Jeritza:** It was some time ago.

 **Jeritza:** But I will have revenge.

 **Byleth:** ( -_-)zzzzzzz

 **Jeritza** left the chat.

 **Alois:** WELL THAT WAS BIZARRE.

 **Manuela:** i mean jeritza is a creepy mofo

 **Jeralt:** I've only been in the chat for exactly twenty seconds and I'm already tired.

 **Seteth:** Welcome to my world.

 **Hanneman:** Ah, by the way, may I enquire as to your Crests? I'm something of a researcher on the topic.

 **Byleth:** ????

 **Jeralt:** Magic birthmark.

 **Byleth:** ( T_T;)

 **Jeralt:** Yeah, it's weird.

 **Byleth:** @hanneman ( '-')X

 **Hanneman:** Ah, worth a shot.

 **Manuela:** hey hunkatron 9000

 **Jeralt:** ... Not the worst nickname I've ever gotten. What?

 **Manuela:** you can understand those wicked emojo skills?

 **Jeralt:** Yeah. Of course.

 **Catherine:** hot damn another man who supports the emojo crusade

 **Hanneman:** YOU WILL ALL SUFFER. EEE-MOE-TEE-CONS.

 **Rhea:** Eee-moe-joes.

 **Hanneman:** WHAT?!

 **Shamir:** Lady Rhea has laid down the law. Emojos. It's a word now.

 **Byleth:** ( 'o') ( I_I) ($_$ ) ( &__& )

 **Hanneman:** Such a flagrant betrayal of trust, Lady Rhea...

 **Shamir:** Anyways.

 **Shamir:** Byleth, was it? You're a mercenary.

 **Byleth:** ('-')b ( '-')-I--> (>XnX)> d('-')b

 **Shamir:** Yeah.

 **Byleth:** ( TnT)><('-') ?????

 **Shamir:** Sure.

 **Byleth:** ('u')b

 **Catherine:** what the fuck was that

 **Shamir:** Friendship.

 **Rhea:** Byleth, have you chosen a House to lead yet?

 **Alois:** OH GOODNESS A HOUSE PROFESSOR ALREADY?

 **Hanneman:** Her expertise does somewhat outclass Manuela and myself in the practical sense.

 **Seteth:** Lady Rhea, please start talking these things over with me!

 **Catherine:** anyways kid you should pick the lions those guys are rad

 **Manuela:** im like 900000% sure that byleth wants actual culture so shes gonna pick the eagles

 **Alois:** FEAR THE DEAR! FEAR THE DEER!

 **Byleth:** ... <('v')> !!!

 **Rhea:** Is... That a bird?

 **Byleth:** ('-')b

 **Seteth:** I cannot believe we are choosing the Professor of an entire house based on an emoticon!

 **Rhea:** Emojo.

 **Manuela:** EMOJO

 **Alois:** EMOJO IS A FINE WORD

 **Catherine:** its an emjomo

 **Catherine:** moejo

 **Catherine:** im crying rn

 **Hanneman:** IT IS NOT AN EMOJO!

 **Shamir:** Hanneman has another knife.

 **Alois:** AH, DARN. I WAS HOPING THAT THE DEER WOULD GET A POWERFUL LEADER THIS YEAR! INSTEAD THEY GET HANNEMAN.

 **Manuela:** holy shit fucking destroyed by the sunny boi

 **Rhea:** Very well. Professor Byleth, you are now the teacher of the Black Eagles.

 **Byleth:** d('-')b

 **Jeralt:** Kid, just be careful.

 **Byleth:** ( T_T)b (UuU )))) ( -_-)zzzz (OnO )))) ( TnT)

 **Shamir:** What's with the extra lines?

 **Byleth:** Archbishop dummy thicc and it gross.

 **Jeralt:** I KNOW IT'S A CRUEL THING FOR A FATHER TO WISH HIS CHILD COULDN'T SPEAK BUT GODDESS COULD YOU DO ME A SOLID

**Author's Note:**

> this isnt particularly relevant to the story but alois and his wife totally have threesomes with shamir thats my crackship


End file.
